Kid #1:  “Mom, I need to get some boxers since I am starting PE this year.  I can’t wear my regular underwear in front of all the other guys.”

Okay, I think I can swing that.

Kid #2:  “Mom, I want an orange Lamborghini.  How much do they cost?”

Well, let’s see……….. if you save everything you ever earn in your whole life, you might be able to buy one and then you can live in it, too.

Kid #3:  “Mom, I need $15 to buy something.”

What do you need $15 for?

“Nicholas told me he would sell me his Bakugan for $15.”

Oh, is that right?  His used Bakugan that originally cost him $4.99?  That’s so thoughtful of him.

Kid #4:  “I need a lollipop.”

Didn’t you just eat 6?

Kid #5:  “I want some red kitty panties.”

Let’s see, we have them in blue, pink, white, purple…………… and oh, I think you have a red pair ON YOUR BODY.

“Mom, we need a new PS2….ours is broken.”        “We need to buy the tae kwon do outfits.  We’re the only one in the class without them.”        “We want to eat Subway today.  You NEVER take us there.”        “Mom…..I need a new backpack.  Mine from last year says Christopher on it.  I want to go by Chris this year.”        “I need a new tutu.”        “I want a new kitty.  Mine lost an ear.”        “I need a new black power ranger.  Someone ate the head off mine.”        “Mom, can we go to Gamestop and get the Civil War game?  It is a teen game BUT it IS the one from the HISTORY CHANNEL!”          “I need new soccer cleats.”        “I want a Barbie.”        “I need more food for my frogs.  Oh, and I need a new frog because one of them died.”        “Mom, I need money to go bowling.  Oh, and some more to buy pizza while I am there.  What, do you want me to starve to death?”        “I need a new iPod.  I can’t find the earphones for mine.”        “Well, I need a new Nintendo.  The top broke off and I had to tape it to play it and it’s not playing right.”            “I need an Icee and one of those big pretzels!”        “I want a fishing pole.”        “I need a new puppy.”        “I want to go to Skeeter’s and play the games and get a new SPongebob toy out of the machine.” 

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH……….somebody please make them stop!!!!!!   Or at least turn down the volume on them.  Please.  Couldn’t somebody invent that?  A way to turn down the volume on kids’ whining?

“Okay, boys and girls.  We are going to sit down and learn a lesson.  It’s called wants vs. needs.  A  NEED is something that you have to have. A WANT is something you would like to have.  Everybody got it?”

Five blank faces staring up at me.  Hmmm, okay, let’s approach this a different way.  “Everybody listen up, I am going to tell you all a story.” 

Once upon a time in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful princess.  She was the fairest of them all, the prettiest, the richest and also the skinniest.   Ahem…..well, maybe she wasn’t all those things but let’s just say she was a nice girl with big dreams.  She met her prince charming and he swept her away to very nice places where she stayed in very nice hotels, usually Ritz Carltons. He bought her fancy dinners, fancy jewelry, nice cars, designer purses, name-brand clothing and gave her a big house with expensive furnishings.  She didn’t really need all these things.  It’s that they had the means to do all this so she came to want all of this.

As the years passed, the princess grew accustomed to this lifestyle.  She had people to help her with cleaning, laundry, the yard and the pool.  She could afford to call in a handyman to fix anything that was broken since her prince was not very handy at those kinds of things.  She really didn’t need all these people helping her, but she wanted their help since she could afford it. 

Then her life took a different turn when she got knocked up with five kids in six years.  It was not a bad thing that she had all these kids, just different, WAY DIFFERENT.  Especially for the princess since she was not that domestic, didn’t cook that well, didn’t like to wait on people (she liked to be waited on) and didn’t even know if she wanted children in the first place.  But life happens and so the princess adapted to all these little people who were so demanding and were constantly needing and wanting things from her.  Some days, she wanted to take off on the quickest flight out of town, or horse, or whatever princesses ride to get out of town.  But she knew she needed to care for all these little people, so she still had hired help to help her care for them.

Then one day her prince called her and told her that they didn’t have their fortune anymore and that the people who ruled the land had helped take it away.  She wanted desperately not to believe him, but she came to realize that she needed to take his advice and stop spending money and start saving.  Did the princess do this?  Well, she tried so hard to stop spending altogether.  But those silly couriers kept delivering her these catalogs advertising the new, must-have shoes of the season.  Or the newest face cream from Sephora that could make her look 15 years younger.  Then there were the clothing catalogs with the killer sales, the home décor catalogs with the perfect rug for the powder bath and the outdoor curtains she had to buy to shield her precious offspring from the harmful effects of the sun.  Then there was the dress she HAD to get to go to Vegas, I mean “the ball,” and the GoSmile tooth whitening system from Sephora so that her teeth would look whiter next to her weekly spray tans, and the sno-cone machine to provide her children with  some cold treats during the blistering summer sun.  Now all these things were not needs necessarily and the princess realized that they were actually all wants, especially when she received her Amex bill. 

Then came the swim lessons, the tae kwon do lessons complete with the uniforms, the guitar lessons along with the new guitar and metronome, the ballet lessons plus the new leotards, tutus and ballet shoes.   Oh, and let’s not forget the soccer registrations and all the soccer gear.  Then the circus came to town and the prince and princess had to take their sweet little children to that since it had become a tradition every year.  The tickets alone were $210 and then once inside the children were parched so 2 of them got sno-cones for $15 each (of course that included the collector cups) and 3 of them bought the cotton candy for $12 each (and of course those included the circus top hats made from flimsy cardboard.)  They wanted the little whirlygig things that light up, but the princess put an immediate HALT to those since they were selling for $24 each and tried to tell the kids they really didn’t need those.  That was until both 3 years olds started throwing a tantrum and the princess caved in to shut them up, so in that instance, a want actually turned into a need.

Then the children starting whining because they technically had not had a summer vacation (although joining the community pools, the YMCA and being members at a country club don’t count towards summer fun) so the prince and princess decided to rent a beach house, waterfront of course so that the little darlings wouldn’t have to go far to get to the water.  The prince and princess really didn’t want to spend that much on a beach house, but they had waited so late to book it that they needed to spend that much.  Then the princess realized that they would need all new beach toys, fishing gear and probably all new swimsuits and beach towels as well.

And let’s not forget the new bikes the children needed, the new helmets they also needed, the Barbie ride-on Mustang the girls wanted ….so the princess thought she would be money-wise and purchase it used off Craigslist.  Never mind that it says “Chloe” on the back (the princesses daughter’s names are Lillie and Sophie.)  Then there’s the new Ripstick for Samuel that he wanted, the books the kids needed for their required summer reading (they tried the library but the books they needed were all checked out), the bowling outings they wanted, the movies and popcorn and snacks and drinks they all wanted……………..and I think I will save the lesson on the food bill for another day.

“So boys and girls, I hope you have enjoyed your lesson on wants vs. needs.  Do any of you have any questions?”

“Mommy, I really want to go to the bathroom but I don’t really need to anymore since I just pooped my pants.” 

AHA!  I think I taught them something!

I finally sold my parent’s house (unbelievable in today’s world) and my parents actually did quite well.   Maybe it’s because they live next to “Bob” (see blog post “Maybe Bob is Right”) and he has all of the spam and whiskey (but unfortunately no gold), or maybe we just got lucky.   Who knows, but they are out of there.   I was there today reviewing the 72 items that the buyers’ inspector cited that “had to be repaired if we are even going to consider gracing you at the closing table” (we agreed to fix 35 of them including the huge bee hive that had grown under their siding (didn’t know that this could happen but it does) and they graciously and reluctantly agreed to proceed with closing.  

Note: as a part of my new duties at work I am partially responsible for fixing up our problem/foreclosed houses and have found that most ask for far more than they expect to get.  

Note to home sellers—and this is key if you are selling a house— hook in the wife and you are set.   The husband is along for the ride and if “she” likes the house it is all over.   We had a husband who was playing hardball on a house we were selling and we said no to his “final offer”.   The wife went crazy and we ended up getting 99% of our asking price without any complaints from there on.  I’m guessing that he had a few nights on the couch which caused him to see the light!

Back to the story–as you may know, or will know soon through Paige’s blog–I have become quite the handyman (uh huh).   I now paint, clean windows and want to buy some major power tools (on eBay of course since I can’t afford to buy them new!!).  However, Paige won’t let me do this stating that we can’t even afford to buy them on eBay much less the co-pay when I cut my hand off.   She’s probably right but I feel empowered by my new skills.   A good friend, Katie Miller’s husband and I, even installed a new microwave in our house last week (see about the broken microwave on Paige’s blog… “Broken Down or a Breakdown”).   You see, since we can’t afford to hire our “guys” anymore, all of this has to be done by someone, and that someone is ME!   And I am embracing this newfound responsibility—I even found myself actually dreaming (true) about painting our powder room last weekend as Paige had “assigned” this task to me.   When she later informed me that I was also “assigned” to paint the powder room ceiling I retreated to Facebook to complain.   Her response was “stop whining, get off of FB and back to painting!”      I must admit that it was very gratifying and I think that it looks pretty good (although nowhere near professional)..and the kicker is that it saved us about $320 in labor costs (minus the paint that splattered on my $85.00 royal blue golf shirt, but who cares!!).  By the way, I have worn that $85.00 royal blue paint stained golf shirt every day ever  since and refuse to wash the blue ceiling paint off my forearm since I view it as a badge of honor!

Now to the point of my story…this is what I call “The New Economy” where we are all saving and doing things that we didn’t do 2 years ago.    As mentioned, I am embracing this and am fired up about it.   I found an old level at my parents’ house and Paige is freaking out as I am checking the level on everything from our newly self-installed microwave to about every picture in the house as well as my kids’ heads (none of them are level—is that a problem???).   

I am becoming bold enough to think that I can do the repairs on my parents’ house by myself…I can tear out cabinets that cover the breaker box (it is called that, isn’t it?);   I can kill the 400 bees that are “hiving” behind the siding on the second floor under the siding (freaky); I can fix the pool pump, the GFCI plugs, the attic fan, the sprinkler system, the broken window, the microwave (I have experience in this one!), the rotted siding, the torn screen, the ceiling fan that doesn’t work, the light that doesn’t work and the other 25 items we agreed to in the inspection, can’t I?   

Well………Paige has brought me down to earth reminding me that while switching out a microwave (which really involved a few screws and a plug with a friend that had a tool kit that the Extreme Makeover-Home Edition crew would be envious of), painting a 4×4 room (including a ceiling) and leveling a few pictures is impressive, it doesn’t elevate me to the point where I can quit my day job and do this for a living.   Maybe one day, but that day is far, far away.

I’m good with that….I’m going to keep learning this year and will continue to embrace the challenges that the new economy will bring us.     I am completely confident that we will all emerge from this smarter, better and stronger.    I encourage all of us to turn to our faith (whatever faith that is) and try to be as positive as possible.     Good times will roll again!!!

Ladies—thank you for putting up with me—I am going outside to paint some siding and clean out the sludge that is clogging out the fountain. 

I hope that you look forward to my next blog about the guys who drop their iPhones into the toilet and have to make the “fish or no fish” decision….I’ll give you a hint–in the new economy there’s a lot of fishing going on (TMI????).

Best wishes, gals—-Chris Scott—handyman wannabe.

While visiting the new bundle of joy I was in awe of her beauty and purity. What a special gift from God! I can appreciate her more because as I am holding her I realize she can be handed back to her parents if she gives the slightest whimper.  I have zero responsibility to them!  No 2AM feedings, diaper duty or babysitting for me! They can call their real mom! I have done my time raising tiny tots and very recently I might add. The grandkids can call me by my first name only.….nothing made up like gammie.  I am officially a “Glam-Ma”. 

As my insane and narcissistic story is unfolding in my mind I look up to see my husband watching me hold the baby.  He must have misinterpreted the gleam in my eye for ovulation/raging hormones.  A bead of sweat begins to form above his deer in the headlights stare.  He’s desperately thinking what can snap her out of this dreaded baby induced hypnosis. What is tiny, soft, cute and doesn’t need a college fund?

”Uh Honey, do you want a new puppy?”

“Of course I do!”

Yay me! Who doesn’t love presents!?!

Immediately the online search begins for a new teacup puppy that will love only me. She will sit in my lap and give me kisses.  After weeks of searching, I find her and she is a perfect sweet little teacup yorki-poo that was crazy expensive. My husband assures me he is fine paying for her despite the blow to our stocks/cash flow the last several months but I feel guilty because times are really tough.  I know how smart he is and he wouldn’t allow me to derail our household finances over a dog.  Then I begin to imagine no one having the money to buy her during this wretched recession. She will most likely be abandoned on the side of the road and be picked apart by those big scary black birds. I AM SAVING HER TINY LIFE! He assures me he is just simply happy that I am happy…what a great guy! There is just one problem….did I mention we already have a 10 month old 70 lb golden retriever? 

Our quiet and immaculate home quickly became a circus tent riddled with jealousy and marking ones territory.  The golden retriever repeatedly tries to squash and slowly suffocate the tiny 3 pounder or bats and spins her across the room like a fluffy top.  After 5 weeks I finally conceded. These dogs have officially kicked my a** and I am exhausted. There will be no endless love and happy days in the dog park. These dogs are nuts and I now know I am too for thinking this would actually work!  

The tiny toy wonder has gone to a new and loving family that already has a teacup dog.  I sold her for half the price and excluded the cost for vet bills and tiny dog essentials (like a rhinestone collar and matching copper feeding bowls that she “needed”). She can now run freely without worry of being crushed and has an assortment of tiny rhinestone t-shirts to wear. My husband, for obvious reasons, is not at all impressed with my investment or retention skills. Having undertaken a tremendous financial loss, I am on strict orders not to look at, ask for, or fantasize about owning another pet….EVER…..well at least until the next grandchild is born!

Hi Ashley & Paige-

I am still residing on my current planet which is not pink or sparkly…AT ALL. As a matter of fact, it might not even be rotating on its axis any more (Sparkly Pink Planet).

By nature, I am not a negative person, so I have to find humor in my current situation or I will most likely end up as Breaking News on all major networks after tracking down and annihilating the “customer service” person who has called me for the 40^th time this week to find out when I’m going to pay the past due balance on my credit card, pay the water bill, the gas bill, etc. UGH!

Where was I?  Oh yes… my gloriously wonderful, innate positive nature! So I found a four-leaf clover the other day in my yard while getting the mail. Seriously! I looked down and there it was!  Honestly, I thought I was in for some major good luck. And I was! No notices from the mortgage company or death threat from the IRS (S as in s****heads) were in the mailbox.  Oh, but wait.  There was a notice that our health insurance had been terminated due to non payment.  Delightful!  Thank you four-leaf clover.

Thankfully, it was only a matter of the insurance company’s failure to process the payment through our new bank.  Of course, the next day I had a doctor’s appointment and when they called to verify my insurance – guess what?  The insurance company is in NORTH DAKOTA – you know where they had 3 rivers converging together threatening to demolish the entire state. For the first time EVER - THEY HAD TO CLOSE THE FREAKING OFFICES that were supposed to let the doctor’s office know that we were A-OK! Covered! In good standing! 

So I came out of pocket $190.

Then came the major roof leak during our own deluge last week, a continued barrage of calls from creditors and my daughter’s birthday (that we couldn’t afford to celebrate). But by goodness, it’s her 4^th birthday and she wanted a BIG GIRL BIKE!!  We got her one – only to have our brilliant but sometimes clueless 9-year old decide to give the bike a spin – and – she broke the seat!  Brand new 2 hour old bike!!!

So, I got up this morning (when the first collection call came at 8:00 a.m.) ready to tackle both the insurance debacle and the bicycle seat issue.  While I’m on hold with the insurance company instead of music I get this annoyingly calm soothing voice saying “to reduce stress in your life, it is important to exercise, find quiet time to yourself and eat the right foods.”  ARE YOU NUTS LADY? I can’t afford the wrong foods, much less Seared Ahi Tuna and grilled artichokes over somen noodles!! 

So…I’m still on hold…Googling “huffy princess bike replacement parts” when it occurs to me…

What if THIS huffy princess needs a replacement life???? Can someone get me a replacement life??? 

I Googled…no such luck. Speaking of luck…. I guess it’s time to go look for more 4 leaf clovers….

Today, as I was signing into my on-line email account, I noticed a headline that I just had to click: Suit Offers Peek at Paris.  I’m thinking, hmmm, everyone else has had a peek at Paris Hilton, sans underwear, clothes and dignity, I might as well, too.  If it doesn’t get blocked by my decency filter.

When I made it to the full blown article, I realized that this wasn’t a peek at Paris, it was a peek into Paris Hilton’s pampered life.  You see, she is being sued by an investor claiming that she didn’t do enough to promote a 2006 movie called Pledge This.  Personally, I tend to agree with the unhappy investor.  I don’t think that Miss Paris did enough to promote the movie because, frankly, I’ve never heard of it.  Then again, a 40 year-old-stay-at-home-mother-of-five might not have been the film’s target demographic.

But, never mind that…the self-proclaimed ‘It-Girl’ swears that she’s a complete workaholic and did everything in her power to promote the flick.  If drinking and dancing and having your hair done are ‘everything within her power’, then I guess he’s right.

The frightening thing revealed in this article is that Miss Paris really has no idea where her money comes from or goes.  Really?  Does she have any idea that the hotels she stays in, gratis, around the world belong to her family, and that normal people have to, gasp, pay to stay there?  FYI, Paris:  the Hilton family isn’t just the host with the most; the company is actually in the hospitality business and looks at its bottom line.  And that bottom line pays for all of Paris’s perks.  When asked who gets her bills, Miss Paris answered with admirable honesty, “I don’t know.  I’m assuming, like, whoever pays my bills.  I never ask about that stuff.”

Good Lord!  You mean that Paris Hilton, dumb blonde extraordinaire, gets to trot around the globe and not ever worry about the cost of a single thing?  You have got to be kidding me.  Paris doesn’t know where her bills are for crying out loud!  Isn’t it nice that she has some schmuck sitting in an office somewhere paying all of her bills as in they roll?  Spa treatments, Manolo Blahniks, private jets, VIP suites, Prada (no Payless for Miss Paris, oh, no…), La Perla.  Or rather, there is no bill from La Perla because the whole world knows that little Miss Paris doesn’t wear underwear!  What?  In posse, her peeps that respond to every beck and call, did she forget to hire an underwear shopper somewhere down the line?  Or, are her underwear in the same gray cubicle as her bills?

All of this information about Paris’s lifestyle just ticks me off.  I think that, if I wouldn’t have seen it in black and white, it wouldn’t have made me so stinking mad.  Because we, Middle America, work so hard to pay our bills, do the right thing, keep this great country ticking, and she truly gets to live like a spoiled rotten American princess without a care in the world!  Or, am I so mad about the fact that I was responsible enough to pay my way through university to earn a degree in accounting?  So now, I could be the schmuck that pays the bills and locates the underwear of one of the most clueless and pampered dingbats on Earth?  What a horrible realization!

Normal people don’t get paid to be dumb.  In the real world, where I seem to reside, you actually get penalized for her kind of idiocy.  Please, Paris, pay off the investor his $8.3 million.  He deserves it for having to deal with you, and you won’t even know it’s gone.  Your accountant can schedule the payment using your on-line bill pay.  Then you can get out of the headlines and leave me in peace.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

It is late in the afternoon and as I pull into the driveway I see that Neal has made it home safely from his weekend warrior outing in the woods.  Who knows what all goes on when he leaves for these three day jaunts into the woods of South Georgia?  This is all I hear when he gushes about his “fun” – “blah, blah, blah, ticks, blah, no bath, belch, no toothpaste, blah, blah, bourbon, tee hee hee, Spam, fiddles (eh?), blah, doe pee, gobbler, Pepto-Bismol, blah, scratch, blah, you should come next time”.  Ok Grizzly Adams, you just bottle up that weekend of a jewel box and savor those memories until next time but you should really understand something: I will never partake in your slice of escape and while we are on the subject let’s just air this realization – you aren’t fooling me.  You know damn good and well you want me NO.WHERE.NEAR that campfire while you muck it up with your other foul mouthed drunk ass redneck friends. 

So, Neal has returned from his “hall pass of the quarter” and I am expected to search him for ticks – a ritual.  I am all in favor of doing this because God knows that now is not the time for Neal to come down with a debilitating case of Lyme’s Disease.  And naturally, this is Neal’s favorite part of the hall pass.  Really.  I go over his body with a fine tooth comb and he purrs like a kitten that’s just lapped up a bowl of warm milk.  While I am checking him for parasites, he is singing Brad Paisley’s “Tick” song:

‘Cause I’d like to see you out in the moonlight
I’d like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I’d like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I’d like to check you for ticks.

I disclosed earlier (You Might Be A Redneck) that I am married to a redneck wanna be so this ritual shouldn’t take you by surprise. But wait, today is different.  Today I will care less about blood sucking creatures carrying bacteria that causes shooting pains, heart palpitations, bouts of arthritis with severe joint pain and swelling.  Naw, they aren’t that threatening………compared to this.

I enter the house and realize that Neal is in the bathtub.  As I turn the corner I ask “Well, did you have a great time?”  Obviously he did.  There is a trail of bloody, muddy clothes leading from the doorway to the master bath….but now is not the time to be bitter or hen peck.  I lock eyes with him and immediately notice that something is off.  In an instant I am aware that something is not right – like maybe his face has been mowed over by an ATV but I can’t be sure.  I steady myself and here is the conversation that takes place.  But, before I delve into the conversation, let’s just take a look at a photo for a frame of reference. Just a peek at what I am now staring at, naked in the bathtub:

Me:  “Uh, what’s wrong with your face?”

Neal: “I’m not sure”

Me: “One side of your face looks like it has been attacked by an M16 loaded with Botox and the other side looks like melting caramel running down an apple.  Why aren’t you blinking your right eye?”

Neal:  “I think I have a sinus infection”

Me: “Wow. Really?  Because I’m no doctor but you know, I have never seen a sinus infection give symptoms of a freakin’ STROKE Neal!”

Neal:  “Oh pleeeeeze”

I have him stand up and raise his arms, repeat certain sentences, touch his toes and lean his head back while touching his nose.  At this point I couldn’t remember all of the “at home stroke test” procedures so I merged in some drunk driving questions.  He passed everything except for the fact that he could only use one side of his face.  Literally.  He couldn’t talk out of the right side of his mouth and his eyeball was frozen – open, like a dead person.  I threw him in the car and zoomed to the ER.  No surprise, he walked into the ER of Piedmont Hospital and after simply saying hello was whisked away to the back for stroke evaluation.  They did a CAT scan too, just for safe measure and I am convinced because our healthcare provider told them they wouldn’t cover the costs (hellooooooooo, it’s January and we have a $2500 deductible).

The doctor in the ER asked Neal a lot of questions but kept coming back to a recurring theme – stress.  Economy, job, STRESS, money, STRESS, decompress, STRESS, real estate, short sale, lack of, STRESS, sex, STRESS, bills, exercise, mortgage, STRESS.  Over and over, that word kept coming up.  With it, so did a diagnosis – associated with stress.  Bell’s Palsy.  Four hours later, Neal emerged from the ER sporting an eye patch and a handful of steroids walking around with facial paralysis that would last anywhere from four weeks to six months. Thank God it wasn’t a stroke but what about the stress?  Should I just leave him out in the woods?

And here’s the best part.  Many caring people gave their advice about not “letting this get out” in public.  Ewww, don’t let anyone actually KNOW that Neal might be dealing with some stress due to the recession.  That wouldn’t look good.  Just simply tell people that his eye patch is because of some out patient cornea surgery or something but don’t reveal that stress played a part.  That would make him look vulnerable and his business will suffer.  Never mind that he looked like a circus freak, like Siamese twins sharing the same face.  It must be kept secret.  They obviously do not know Neal very well, now do they?  Heart on sleeve, truth be told.  That’s Neal.

The Bell’s Palsy only lasted for a month but the steroids were hell.  Holy cow.  Neal was just ITCHING for someone to cross the line so he could punch them in the face.  He was so irritable and moody.  Now let’s just add that to the effects of the recession.  It was a wonderful new year.  Happy 2009!  So I totally believe in the saying “stress will kill you” – whole heartedly.  It causes cancer, low sperm count (lucky for me), acne, heart palpitations, hair loss, obesity and Bell’s Palsy.  It will put you in an early grave.  I haven’t yet figured out a way to eliminate stress, only taper it slightly.   You know what ranks up there in the top 10 ways to reduce Neal’s stress?  Checking him for ticks. J

Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

There must be fifty ways to lose your lover
Fifty ways to lose your lover

(adapted from a Paul Simon song)

I sat down recently after a long, hard day to check my e-mail and this is what I found in my inbox:

Dear Mrs. Scott,

I am sending home Nicholas’s work from today.  Please call me when you have a minute so that I can explain (actually, so that you can explain this to me.)  No hurry – I am sure there is a logical explanation.  I didn’t know how to handle it when he read it in front of the other first graders.

Sincerely,

Miss W.   J

I scrambled to get to his backpack to see what in the world she was talking about.  This is what I found:

ALL ABOUT MOM  by Nicholas Scott

WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER’S NAME:    Paige Scott

HOW TALL IS YOUR MOTHER:  20 feet

HOW MUCH DOES YOUR MOTHER WEIGH:  100 pounds     (God bless him!)

WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE COLOR:  pink

WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE THING TO DO:  read, look at her compooter 

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO WITH YOUR MOM?  read a book with her or play

NAME SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR MOM:  she gives good hugs

WRITE A SHORT STORY ABOUT SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO FOR YOUR MOM:     I would like to get my mom a new lover.  She used to have 3 and now she only has 2.  She says we cannot afford anything right now, so I will save up my awowance muney and buy her a new lover.

Oh, God!  No!  Did he really stand up and read this to his whole first grade class and the teacher, too?   I guess I have some explaining to do!  

You see, I have these pillows that I have had on my bed for a very long time. They started out being decorative pillows until I realized they fit perfectly in the nook of my back and between my knees while sleeping on my side.  (For those of you who have experienced pregnancy, you will understand why this might be important.)  These pillows have been my “security blankets” for years now. 

My husband’s mom used to affectionately call her little teddy bears and dolls her “little lovers.”  I have no idea why and it was never meant as we have come to know the term “lover.”  It was cute and sweet and my dear husband knew how important my little pillows were to me, so they also became known as my “lovers.”

When Nicholas was a baby, we were on a family vacation in New England (yes, we used to travel quite a bit and go on some very nice vacations!)  Anyhow, my lovers were the perfect size to put underneath his bottle to prop it up while we were strolling around New England.  Lo and behold, we returned home from the trip with only two lovers, not three!  I cried!

Over the years, it has become a funny story about mommy’s lovers.  Guess I never thought about telling the kids to not share this story outside of the family, or in front of the whole class and the teacher, too!

More importantly, Nicholas has picked up on the fact that we cannot afford to do what we used to do and is announcing this as well to his whole class!  I have said many times over the past year “Oh, we can’t afford that!”  The first time my kids heard this, their mouths dropped open with utter amazement.  These were not words they had heard before in their little lives.  How do you explain money to little kids who knew that the little plastic card in Mommy’s purse could buy them anything they wanted, any time they wanted it?

Do we live in a bubble?  Yes (at least we used to!) 

Are we suffering?  Not too terribly bad…………… but I really do miss just throwing around my money whenever and wherever I pleased without having to actually think about it!  Now we have this tidy little thing called a budget. 

Is the budget working?  Sort of.  Budgeting is very hard when you have never had to balance your checkbook before.  Also, since we have been doing this little budget thing, I have gone over every month, so I guess the honest answer is NO, it is not working! 

Sometimes I seriously wonder if it is better to have had it all and then not so much………………… OR to never have had it in the first place.

To make sticking to a budget even worse, our expenses keep on going up while our receivables keep going down (see, I am learning accounting terms.)  Anyhow, since the budget has been out of balance lately, I opened the mailbox the other day and after sorting through the bills, the various Horchow, Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn and Ballard Design catalogs (yes, they USED to get a lot of my money so now they are just wasting their time sending these to me) and more bills, I saw an envelope with that little peek-thru window that said:  PAY TO THE ORDER OF CHRIS SCOTT.  My hands started trembling!  Oh my gosh, it was addressed from his parent company!  What was this?  Oh Lord, could this be his quarterly dividend check that we receive from the bank stock?   Yes, I think this was it!  Such perfect timing since I had already gone over the monthly budget and it was only the 15^th of the month!  I opened it so fast that I almost ripped the check.  How much was this dividend check for?  A thousand?  A few hundred?  One hundred?

No, it was worth $1.56 (one dollar and 56/100)……………… yes, that is what his dividend check was for.  Why did the bank even bother spending the 44 cents to send it, really?  With the printing and the shipping cost, I think it cost THEM to pay out this dividend check.   Boy oh boy!  One dollar and 56 cents!  I think I will go buy a coke.  Or perhaps I could hop on the bus Gus …………….. I think that might be what the Houston Metro bus costs these days (one way, of course!)

And to top it all off, Nicholas came downstairs this morning and said, “Mom, is the tooth fairy broke, too?  I woke up and there was no money under my pillow and she even left my tooth.”

OH, SH*T! 

My 2 lovers

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.”  

Over my lifetime, I have come to realize that I have good common sense.  It has gotten me far in this life and has always helped me through many situations. Common sense by definition is sound judgment not based on any specialized knowledge.

To give you some examples, I will let all of you in on some common sense conclusions drawn from various stages of my own life experiences:

-To have a true friend, you have to be a true friend (makes sense, right?)

-If you get kicked out of the church choir when you are ten years old, more than likely you cannot sing. 

-Practice makes perfect.  In other words, it is not a good idea to decide the night before talent show tryouts that you want to perform a dance (that you made up) and make a fool of yourself at the tryouts in front of the whole school.

-If you are trying to impress a boy while you are in junior high, running across the bleachers in front of him and tripping, only to crash down all the bleachers while in a back brace, probably isn’t a good way to impress him.

-If you chase after a boy all through high school and he never gives you the time of day, then he probably doesn’t like you at all. 

-If you get your driver’s license and have a wreck the very next day, perhaps you weren’t quite ready for your driver’s license.

-If you don’t study in college, you might fail and have to move back home and go to the community college until you pull your grades back up. 

-If you back your new car into a dumpster one night after having too much tequila, your parents will probably figure it out when they look at the dent and see that it really wasn’t possible for someone to have “backed into it………I promise.” 

-If you have unprotected sex, it is likely that you will get pregnant.  (And yes, Mom, I do mean as a married ADULT, so don’t freak out)!   I DO have a bunch of kids and I kept getting the comment from people, “Don’t you know what causes that?”  Well, duh, I think I have figured that out!

And most recently,

-If you eat healthy and exercise, you will lose weight.  On the other hand, if you eat half the chocolate cake, wash it down with some chardonnay and gain 2 lbs., you really can’t complain about not losing weight. 

-If you let the exterminator go because you are trying to save money, you WILL have bugs in your house (and probably very big, yucky, freaky ones.)

This is all pretty straightforward stuff, huh?  My list could go on and on, but I hope that you are beginning to see that I, Paige Scott, at 39 years old have some pretty good common sense.  So, it with great honor and pride that I bring you to my most recent experience where I was able to share some of my common sense knowledge with others.

My husband and I were at a swanky work-related dinner in Houston recently surrounded by a room full of bankers.  When you are in a room full of bankers during a recession, conversations typically are centered on topics such as “subprime mortgages,” “foreclosures,” “mortgage-backed securities,” “bailouts,” “adjustable rates,”   you know, fun topics such as these.  I just sat nodding my head politely looking like I had some sort of clue what they were talking about, or that I even cared.

When the cocktail conversation turned to the federal deficit, I decided to speak up and share some of my common sense knowledge since I had come to know something about debt over the last few months.  I cleared my throat and boldly stated, “Well, since the country has so much debt and we all could use some more money, why don’t they just make some more?”

All eyes shot over to me, and I mean ALL.  It’s as though I had spoken with a megaphone or something.  Well, I couldn’t back down now.  I had successful business people listening to my “I know how to save the federal deficit theory”, so I continued.  “You know, THEY could make some more money!”

I think I heard some snickering.  One big shot decided to actually converse with me on this topic and said, “Who are THEY and what do you mean make more money?”

Me:  “You know, wherever they actually make all the money.  The US Treasury or wherever it is that they have all the money presses.  They could just fire up the presses and print out enough money to pay off all the national debt.  And while they are at it, they could go ahead and print some out for every citizen.”

Luckily, my husband had stepped out to go to the bathroom before I decided to speak up with my “wine gives you courage” knowledge.  As he returned and saw all of his colleagues engaging in a deep conversation with me, he beamed with pride, until he got a little closer to hear the conversation.  I do believe mortified and speechless could describe his reaction.  

I was at the point in my debate with the bankers about why wasn’t this a good idea?  Did I actually understand supply and demand?  “Well, yes I did understand that.  The demand was there: we were in a BIG budget deficit and the supply was there:  we had printing presses that could just print off more money.  What do you people not get about that?  Just because you all have degrees in finance, this is just COMMON SENSE.  In fact, I think I will call my congressman………..”   

I couldn’t even get to the really good part because the dinner speaker was clanking his glass for the second time for us all to be quiet.  So I whispered aloud to my audience, “Hey, I have a fun dinner game that we can play after this guy shuts up.  It’s where we say famous quotes and we all have to guess who said it.  I’ll go first!  Who said, “Accept your genius and say what you think”?” 

You gotta love that Ralph Waldo Emerson!  (and, yes, gotta is also a slang term we use in Texas)

You know that saying “it’s easier to find a job when you have a job”?  Well, let’s tweak that to “it’s easier to find a job when you have a job in a job market that is actually hiring”.  I have two strikes against me.  I am not currently employed and no one is hiring.  I have also quickly learned that all of the website job boards are a cyberspace HR dead end.  I subscribe to the best of them; Monster, Career Builder, Job Search and I submit my resume, on average, three to four times a week.  Bueller?… Bueller?… Bueller?

My favorite jobs are the “Office Manager” positions.  I put these in the same category as “homemaker”, which happens to have been the last ten years of my life.    Basically these companies are looking for an office wife.  You need excellent organizational skills, the ability to multi task, think on your feet in times of crisis and stroke your husband’s CEO’s ego.  Some job descriptions may as well be written in Chinese.  I find myself having to read the “opportunity” outline three times before thinking “hmm, maybe I am not qualified for this one because I haven’t a f*@#$%^ clue what this all means”.  So far all of these “out of my league” jobs have been on The Ladders website.  This is the holy roller of job search websites.  It only posts jobs with $100k+ salaries.  Fancy pants here actually thought that she was WORTH $100k+.

Now the race is on and I am going to swoop in and save this family.  Well, at the very least I will come in and pay for Kroger and, say, maybe that hefty private school tuition that we are behind in paying.  That is my goal. 

So yesterday my phone rings.  It’s my friend Sue.  She is calling to inform me that her daughter arrived home from school and announced:

“If Emily’s mommy doesn’t get a job real soon then they are going to live on the street until they can afford an apartment.  Can they please just move in with us?  Please, pretty please?”

I was speechless.  I was stunned.  I was MORTIFIED.  I nervously laughed it off with my friend until she informed me that Emily held court on the playground, announcing this news to anyone who would listen.  Now I am breaking into a sweat.  God almighty.  I get off the phone with Sue and immediately phone my husband.  We decide that a family intervention is needed and sit down with our girls that night after dinner.  After explaining to them that we aren’t REALLY going to live on the street and that everything will be ok (such a lie), Matt and I make a promise to NEVER discuss finances in front of the children again.  Isn’t that like rule #1 in Parenting Magazine?  I mean, haven’t we heard that since the moment they were born?  What were we thinking?

Meanwhile, Paige keeps going on and on about eBay and how she has been able to pay the mortgage by simply selling used band-aids and popsicle sticks. 

Paige:  “Ashley, listen to me. You don’t need to go out and get a job.  Really.  All you have to do is open an eBay account and sell things like your curling iron from college.  Swatch watches are popular too.”

Me: “Paige, you have fallen and hitten your head” (hitten is really a word in Texas).

This conversation had been going on for MONTHS.  Finally, one night recently I was on the phone with Paige while opening a bottle of wine.  As I discarded the cork onto the overflowing cork tray I had a thought:

Me: “Ok Paige.  Tell you what.  Let’s list this tray full of used wine corks on eBay and see what happens.  I will email you a photo and description tomorrow.” 

And I did:

Welcome to my recession!  This is a collection of last months wine corks.  Yes, I know, there are a lot.  Why might you want these wine corks?  I have no idea and I don’t really care.  All I know is that they were good to me and helped me through a long, stressful month.  I will remember them fondly, although sometimes it’s a blur.  Alas, it is time for them to leave the nest to make room for new corks.  You see, it’s now May and I haven’t yet been approved for the loan modification program, my water was turned off today and by golly it’s 5 o’clock somewhere.  FREE SHIPPING!

And they sold……in three days.  Huh?

Then Paige posts three Target brand diapers.  Now, think about this.  Three diapers.  From Target.    And they sold.  Not only did they sell but 193 people viewed them.  WTF?  I am still scratching my head and starting to think that there’s something to this eBay thing.  I have a bag of unopened guinea pig treats I might list next.  Heck, I have an ENTIRE basement of crap I might list next.  Maybe I will spend my summer just listing the contents of the house and see what happens.  I still need benefits though.  Does eBay have benefits?