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ECON 101: A Revised Course for the Miller Family, 2009 edition - by guest blogger Katie Miller

Twenty years ago, I was a bright-eyed freshman in my first university economics class.  Which, coincidentally, I paid for with federally-backed student loans.  But no matter, I was there, at the university of my choice…taking it all in.  Supply and demand.  Microeconomics and macroeconomics.  From assets all the way to zero sum-game.  I ate it up.  It was great, I loved the theory and that class played a large role in my decision to focus on a degree in business administration.  Accounting to be exact.  Four (and a half) years later, I graduated, got a job with a  big public accounting firm, earned my CPA and made a tidy salary, too.

Fast forward to 2009.  I am a 40+ year-old stay-at-home mom with five kids, currently waiting for three of my children to come home from school, while the other two kiddos entertain themselves with who-knows-what in the play room.  The good news:  all of the children are away, actively engaged or catatonic in front of the television.  The bad news:  I can now ponder my current economic situation.  So, let’s review the basics:  we are a slightly larger than average family of seven.  No, we’re not fat.  We just have 2.7 more kids than the average 2.3.  This means that we have a slightly larger house than average and slightly larger cars than average.  (BTW, whoever came up with those stupid car seat rules that required me to buy a much maligned gas-guzzling, big-ass SUV in the first place?  Why can’t I just grab a roadie*, light up a smoke** and stuff them into the backseat, front seat and back floorboard of a big-ass sedan like our parents did when we were kids?  What’s up with all of this personal safety stuff?  But I digress…back to economics and the basics….) We, therefore, have slightly larger bills than average.  I also have a husband that puts on a suit and tie every day, heads off to work at 6:30 a.m. and comes home after 6:30 p.m.  We technically haven’t overspent, don’t have soaring credit card balances, and don’t have creditors calling every day.  We aren’t a day behind on any one of our bills.  And we don’t have ANY money!

Why, you may ask, if my husband heads off to work every day looking dapper in a suit and French cuffs, do we not have any money?  Well, I’ve determined that it’s all about the new economy, or the lack thereof, in 2009.  These days, we practically PAY people for the privilege of leaving our homes and putting in hours of work.  Really.  BOTH of us!   And because you’re the curious sort, you also ask, how did this happen?  Well…

…to illustrate the economic realities of 2009, here are your ECON 101: Miller family word problems for the day:

1)    Mr. Miller works in sales.  He is 100% commission because he was ‘downsized’ when the recession began in September 2008.  Downsized, indeed!  He began his new sales job in January 2009 with no base salary and 100% commission.  In addition to being virtually self-employed, he has to pay for family health benefits in case one of the people dependent upon him gets injured while his crazy wife drives down the road drinking* and smoking** with the 5 Miller children hanging out of the windows***.  Mr. Miller received his first commission check in February 2009 for a whopping $290.53.  His health insurance costs for February 2009 were $362.58.  How much did Mr. Miller bring home in February 2009?

a)     Enough to support the family in the style to which they have become accustomed.

b)    Enough to keep on the lights, feed the family and set aside some toward the Disney trip the kids are clamoring for.

c)     Enough to significantly reduce the amount taken out of savings each month to keep on said lights and feed above-mentioned family.

d)    None of the above.  He actually paid $72.05 to work 40+ hours a week and insure the family!

2)    Mrs. Miller is employed as a part-time accountant by a small business in a neighboring community because it sounded like a fun thing to do, would keep her mind active, and give her a little time away from the kids and out of Target.  Mrs. Miller likes reconciling accounts and paying other peoples bills.  Mrs. Miller drives 13.2 miles each way to work.  The IRS mileage rate for 2009 is $.55 per mile.  Mrs. Miller pays $50 in childcare each day that she works.  Mrs. Miller works twice a month and earns $150 a month.  How much will Mrs. Miller clear in 2009?

a)     Enough to pay for a fun vacation for her family this summer.

b)    Enough to pay for the children’s extracurricular activities each month.

c)     Enough to pay her cable bill each month.

d)    None of the above.  She only cleared $10.21 per month or $1.57 an hour. How’s that for a Big XII education and a 3.5 GPA?

Now class, you’ve finished your assignment for the day and, given the current economic constraints, answer me this:  How in the hell am I going to pay for everything, strike that, anything, if this continues!?  Mortgage, car payment, utilities, food (‘cuz those little buggers eat!) and clothing (‘cuz those little buggers grow when you feed them!) not to mention all of the miscellaneous expenses that arise each month and don’t have a neat line in the budget!

Let me tell you, I am no longer enamored with economics.  I’m far more interested in making ends meet and finding a magical money tree than economic theory and all of that useless bunk.  And don’t even get me started on the economic stimulus package.  It has absolutely no meaning for my family whatsoever.  Unless that stimulus package will get me a job as a flight attendant on one of those fancy private jets that those corporate executives fly around in, pays me lots of moolah and I can bring along my five kids while I work.  Maybe I’ll even stay sober and not smoke and use the seat restraints.  And when we fly over Orlando and get a glimpse of Disney World from 30,000 feet, at least the kids will get to say that they’ve seen Mickey Mouse’s house, even if they can’t say hello to Mickey in person.

Disclaimers:

* No, Mother, I don’t drink and drive.

** No, Mother, I don’t smoke, either.

***Yes, Mother, the children are buckled-up.