Featured

Happy April Fool’s Day…….Paige Scott

April Fools’ Day or All Fools’ Day, although not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1st. The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, family members, enemies, and neighbors, or sending them on fool’s errands, the aim of which is to embarrass the gullible. Traditionally, in some countries, the jokes only last until noon: like UK, Australia, New Zealand and Canada, someone who plays a trick after noon is called an “April Fool”   Elsewhere, such as in Ireland, France, and the USA, the jokes last all day. Another origin is that April 1 was counted the first day of the year in France. When King Charles IX changed that to January 1, some people stayed with April 1. Those who did were called “April Fools” and were taunted by their neighbors. ( source:  Wikipedia )

A MEMO FOR ALL THE PEOPLE AFFECTED BY THIS RECESSION (via e-mail, snail mail, voicemail, text messages, Facebook, Twitter, word-of-mouth, hearsay, gossip and any other means necessary):

April 1, 2009

Dear Sirs and Madams and all children living on the planet Earth:

Good morning,

We know that you are all worried.  Very worried.  We would like to send out this memo to assure you that everything is going to be okay.  You see, it has all been a big joke.  APRIL FOOL’S! 

We know you have been worried about your job.  No worries.  You can have your current job as long as you would like to work and you will receive a pay raise of 10% or more every year AND we will give you every Friday off for good measure.

We know you are worried about your 401K.  Ha ha………… that was all a joke.  Do you really think that we all could have been so careless to invest your RETIREMENT money in something called “securitized mortgage pools” (whatever in the hell that is) and turn it into shreds?  Really?  To make up for your stress we are doubling your accounts and for those of you who are 65 and older, we are adding an extra $250,000 just to make sure you are adequately protected.

We know you are very worried about the stock market.  It’s not called the bull and bear market for nothing!  Just sit back and the bull is going to win (obviously, he IS a bull and has horns and can kick the bear’s ass in the real world!)  Then we can all stand up and cheer for victory………Hip, hip hooray~!   And by the way, doesn’t a bear hibernate ……………… like for a VERY LONG TIME?  What the hell?  We were just kidding………….the bear is now hibernating YEAR ROUND!

Your shelter, your home, your mortgage – Please do not worry about ANY of this.  I mean, we are talking basic needs here.  Come on, you pay your taxes, your property taxes, your mortgage when you can………. We have decided to step in and take care of all you honest, hard-working people.  We will step in if you need help and we will not require you to leave the comfort of your own home if you are in need right now. 

Food.  We have decided to send all of you some vouchers to help you eat.  It’s something akin to food stamps, but we have not worked out all the details on this one yet.  We just know that you all need to be nourished to be able to survive.  We are still figuring out this one so we will do a follow-up memo soon but you can look forward to eating at your favorite restaurant five times a week at no cost!

Consumer Confidence.  This is important.  The economy will not survive or thrive until we can get this under control.  We are taking any and all suggestions from anyone, everywhere on how to gain consumer confidence.                                                                                                                                A lot of this is about being upbeat and positive.  With this in mind we are announcing that Simon Cowell has been faking it all along—he is actually a very positive guy!                                                                                                           The bottom line is that we will instill confidence by whatever means necessary.     It’s on us, as they say!    Once we receive all feedback, we will then put out another follow-up memo. 

Mainly we wanted to assure you that this has all been a BIG JOKE!  So enjoy your April Fool’s Day!  It has been our aim to embarrass the gullible.  We hope we have lived up to the expectations of those who came up with April Fool’s Day and that we have exceeded all their expectations.    All is well with the world.

Thank you for your time,

The Committee In Charge of April Fool’s Day