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Dwindling Bank Account Equals Dwindling Self-Esteem – by Paige Scott

 Let’s rewind to last year, almost exactly one year ago at this time.  The time before the dreaded “our net worth has fallen over 50%” conversation. The time before the Budget Talks began.  The time when money seemed to grow on trees. 

One day I looked in the mirror and decided that after 5 kids my body could use a little makeover…….actually, an extreme makeover.   First stop, the medical spa to get a “consultation only” for Smart Lipo. My husband drove me to the appointment in my Suburban with all 5 kids in tow, took them through the Chick-fil-A drive thru while I was in the consultation, and waited for me in the car afterwards. 

“Honey, they said the consultation will only take 30 minutes.  Really, how long can a consultation for Smart Lipo take?  I mean, I am not THAT big, am I?”  (What could my husband say to that?) Smart Lipo by definition is quick and concise, so I just knew they would stick to the 30 minute consultation.

One and a half hours later with 5 kids screaming out of the Suburban, Chick-fil-A French fries all over the place and my husband about to go bonkers, I exited my consultation and began dreaming of my new body.  I could not believe that I was going to be able to wear a bikini again.  I had not worn a bikini since high school. 

On the form I filled out during my consultation, it said this precisely:

___Check here if you don’t have a lot of time to spend in               recovery

___Check here if you want to lose those “love handles” and other unsightly droopy places

___Check here if you want to look FABULOUS at forty (omg – they were speaking to ME!)

___Check here if you don’t want loose skin after the procedure

___Check here if you want a procedure that is less than traditional liposuction

___Check here if you want to look better in your clothes

___Check here if you want to look better naked

Hell, I checked them all!  This Smart Lipo was a MIRACLE!  I couldn’t wait.  Sign me up!

Then the e-mail came from the doctor:

Dear Mrs. Scott,

Thank you for the opportunity to consult with you on your fat.  You are the perfect candidate for Smart Lipo.  We know you will be pleased with the results.  Here is a breakdown of the cost:

Abdomen area -                                               $2,500

Thighs (inner and outer) -                          $4,000

Buttocks -                                                           $4,000

Other loose areas -                                          $2,000

For a grand total of…………………………  $12,500

If you book within the next 7 days we will discount it to $10,000.

*Please note that you will still have cellulite as there is no cure for cellulite.

Thank you,

Dr. Fatsucker

Oh my God, was I that fat??????????  TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS and it won’t even take away my cellulite??????????  But all I could think about was that bikini I was going to get! I was about to call to schedule the appointment that would take away all my droopy areas and only leave some cellulite behind.

Then the dreaded “our net worth has dropped phone call” came ………………… along with the recession……….. along with the dwindling bank account.  So it was no Smart Lipo for me! DAMN!

 I was going to have to figure out another way to get my body looking better.

I could:

1-join the gym (way too expensive and way too much energy)

2-buy the spray tan package (smelled too much like a bottle of Coppertone that was left in the trunk in August)

3-get my teeth whitened (too costly AND time consuming)

4-actually get my lazy butt out and exercise on my own by walking or jogging (WAY TOO BORING)

5-go out and buy a whole new wardrobe to accentuate the body I do have (who has the money for that these days?)    

Instead, I just choose to blame it all on the recession and my dwindling bank account.  “Yes, I am too fat and white and lazy and it is all due to this recession and who has any money to do anything about it!?!?  Certainly not me!”  Besides, if I got that bikini I would still have to go forward with the spray tan and that  might make me look like a big orange (dimples and all.)  And really, who wants that?