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Don’t Hate Me Because I Am Wealthy - Ashley Taylor

One good thing has come out of this recession – the guilt has totally disappeared. 

I remember up until recently I would think to myself “what did I do to deserve all of this?” I had a lot of guilt about the amount of success and happiness my husband and I had.  Growing up, I never dreamed I would be partnered with such a hard working, accomplished, kind man.  My guilt would get the best of me and I became paranoid about my wealth (not just monetarily).  If I were this fortunate, then something had to give.  I had to pay in some other way.  Life was too good to be true.  Surely something bad was going to happen.  My thoughts always revolved around my family’s safety.  Throughout the day I would thank God for my health and happiness, my children and solid marriage.  I became paranoid that Matt was going to get hit by a bus and, as bad as it sounds, live– leaving me with two kids and a disabled husband.  What would I do?  How would I support us?   The thought was always in the back of my mind.  Too good to be true. 

The image is so vivid.  Matt and I would be on our way to a black tie function for a local non profit, the babysitter would see us to the door, I would be in a gown with my mink and lamb fur coat, Matt would be wearing his monkey suit and we would leave the house blowing kisses to two of the most beautiful children in the world.  He would tell me that I am the cat’s meow and then actually meow.  Naturally, his cell phone would ring and he would start negotiating a deal while opening the passenger door for me to his Jaguar.  I would get in, pull down the mirror and think “God, please bring us home safely”  The fear has always been there.  Ticking.  Too good to be true.

Truth be told, I didn’t have any reason to feel guilty.  For our entire marriage Matt has worked an average of 60 hours a week, all seven days.  The only time I have actually seen him go a day without making deals, returning calls or checking voice mail was when we were on vacation in Turkey.  Verizon didn’t work on a gulet bobbing around the Aegean.  Those fun times are long gone.  So is the guilt.  It went south with our savings account.  I seem to have looked it in the eye and beaten it, like a demon.  I exorcised it and it has moved on.  Gee, I wonder which specific train of events booed it away? 

Well, this one sure helped.  Thursday morning I am out the door for a long run.  It was good too.  One of those runs where you are actually a little bit angry so your pace is fast and you are on a mission.  My iPod was blaring everything from The Black Crowes to Queen. I ran farther than I had intended - pounded the pavement, seeking that point of forgetfulness; the one where all of your problems seem irrelevant and minor because you are so high from the run and your accomplishment that you are numb.  I reached it and was behind schedule.  I was late for a meeting.  Running into the house, I peeled off my drenched clothes and turned on the shower.  Nothing.  No water.  Dry dry dry. I am confused and still late.  I had noticed some workers on my street during my run.  Wrapped in a towel, I poked my head out the front door and yelled:

Me: “Hey! How long are you going to have the water turned off?”

Workers: “We aren’t working with the water.  We are repaving the road”

Me: “Right then. Ok. Thanks”  Hmmm.

The workers snickered to each other.  Really, they said something I couldn’t hear and laughed, almost like they knew something I didn’t.

I called the water company.

Water Company:  “Hello, how can I help you?”

Me: “There seems to be something wrong with my water.  It isn’t working”

WC: “Yes, I see here that it has been turned off for non payment”

Me: “WHAT?! I don’t understand.  Don’t you send a warning or something?”

WC: “Yes ma’am. We sent two. The first one was dated 5/4 and the second one 5/11”

Me: “Oh. Well, I didn’t get those”

WC: Cricket Cricket

I don’t have the money to get it turned back on.  Damn. I really should start opening my mail.  AUGH! I DON’T WANT TO!   PLEASE DON’T MAKE MEEEEE!!  Gas, electricity, life insurance, water, tuition, mortgage, car payments, credit cards, cable, and phones – you know all of this, no need to spell it out.  That high I just worked my ass off to achieve will go straight out the window as soon as I reach for the letter opener.  My muscles will start to tense again and my right eye will start that rhythmless dance.  And don’t even get me started on heart palpitations.

All of a sudden I realize something.  Guess what?  All of that guilt I harbored for being smart, hard working and successful is GONE.  I am now laughing and thinking to myself, surely I have paid my dues.  Surely I have now learned my lesson.  But what lesson?  Don’t work hard, give back and live a fruitful life?  The guilt is gone but I am still sitting here wondering “what did I do to deserve all of this?”  Ok, truth be told, this pity party isn’t that awful at 30,000 feet looking down.  I mean, I watched Slumdog Millionaire last night and let’s face it – this isn’t THAT bad but it still sucks.  In my little bubble, it sucks.  It’s all relative, right?  Fortunately, Matt and I are healthy, my children are wonderful, my marriage is solid and I am still the cat’s meow.