Featured

Breadwinner - Ashley Taylor

So it’s time for mama to go out and get a job.  Yep, time to start pulling my weight around here.  Never mind that I haven’t actually worked in ten years.  Well, I mean the kind of work that has a paycheck, benefits, cookies in the break room, cubicles, and affairs – that kind of work.  I have been a stay at home referee, chef, CFO and janitor and we all know that I am not going to retire anytime soon on the pay so it’s off to the BS corporate world I go.

You know that saying “it’s easier to find a job when you have a job”?  Well, let’s tweak that to “it’s easier to find a job when you have a job in a job market that is actually hiring”.  I have two strikes against me.  I am not currently employed and no one is hiring.  I have also quickly learned that all of the website job boards are a cyberspace HR dead end.  I subscribe to the best of them; Monster, Career Builder, Job Search and I submit my resume, on average, three to four times a week.  Bueller?… Bueller?… Bueller?

My favorite jobs are the “Office Manager” positions.  I put these in the same category as “homemaker”, which happens to have been the last ten years of my life.    Basically these companies are looking for an office wife.  You need excellent organizational skills, the ability to multi task, think on your feet in times of crisis and stroke your husband’s CEO’s ego.  Some job descriptions may as well be written in Chinese.  I find myself having to read the “opportunity” outline three times before thinking “hmm, maybe I am not qualified for this one because I haven’t a f*@#$%^ clue what this all means”.  So far all of these “out of my league” jobs have been on The Ladders website.  This is the holy roller of job search websites.  It only posts jobs with $100k+ salaries.  Fancy pants here actually thought that she was WORTH $100k+.

Now the race is on and I am going to swoop in and save this family.  Well, at the very least I will come in and pay for Kroger and, say, maybe that hefty private school tuition that we are behind in paying.  That is my goal. 

So yesterday my phone rings.  It’s my friend Sue.  She is calling to inform me that her daughter arrived home from school and announced:

“If Emily’s mommy doesn’t get a job real soon then they are going to live on the street until they can afford an apartment.  Can they please just move in with us?  Please, pretty please?”

I was speechless.  I was stunned.  I was MORTIFIED.  I nervously laughed it off with my friend until she informed me that Emily held court on the playground, announcing this news to anyone who would listen.  Now I am breaking into a sweat.  God almighty.  I get off the phone with Sue and immediately phone my husband.  We decide that a family intervention is needed and sit down with our girls that night after dinner.  After explaining to them that we aren’t REALLY going to live on the street and that everything will be ok (such a lie), Matt and I make a promise to NEVER discuss finances in front of the children again.  Isn’t that like rule #1 in Parenting Magazine?  I mean, haven’t we heard that since the moment they were born?  What were we thinking?

Meanwhile, Paige keeps going on and on about eBay and how she has been able to pay the mortgage by simply selling used band-aids and popsicle sticks. 

Paige:  “Ashley, listen to me. You don’t need to go out and get a job.  Really.  All you have to do is open an eBay account and sell things like your curling iron from college.  Swatch watches are popular too.”

Me: “Paige, you have fallen and hitten your head” (hitten is really a word in Texas).

This conversation had been going on for MONTHS.  Finally, one night recently I was on the phone with Paige while opening a bottle of wine.  As I discarded the cork onto the overflowing cork tray I had a thought:

Me: “Ok Paige.  Tell you what.  Let’s list this tray full of used wine corks on eBay and see what happens.  I will email you a photo and description tomorrow.” 

And I did:

Welcome to my recession!  This is a collection of last months wine corks.  Yes, I know, there are a lot.  Why might you want these wine corks?  I have no idea and I don’t really care.  All I know is that they were good to me and helped me through a long, stressful month.  I will remember them fondly, although sometimes it’s a blur.  Alas, it is time for them to leave the nest to make room for new corks.  You see, it’s now May and I haven’t yet been approved for the loan modification program, my water was turned off today and by golly it’s 5 o’clock somewhere.  FREE SHIPPING!

And they sold……in three days.  Huh?

Then Paige posts three Target brand diapers.  Now, think about this.  Three diapers.  From Target.    And they sold.  Not only did they sell but 193 people viewed them.  WTF?  I am still scratching my head and starting to think that there’s something to this eBay thing.  I have a bag of unopened guinea pig treats I might list next.  Heck, I have an ENTIRE basement of crap I might list next.  Maybe I will spend my summer just listing the contents of the house and see what happens.  I still need benefits though.  Does eBay have benefits?