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Funny Face I Love You - By guest blogger Rebecca in Atlanta

Stress is the trash of modern life - we all generate it but if you don’t dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life.  ~Danzae Pace

Sunday, January 4, 2009

It is late in the afternoon and as I pull into the driveway I see that Neal has made it home safely from his weekend warrior outing in the woods.  Who knows what all goes on when he leaves for these three day jaunts into the woods of South Georgia?  This is all I hear when he gushes about his “fun” – “blah, blah, blah, ticks, blah, no bath, belch, no toothpaste, blah, blah, bourbon, tee hee hee, Spam, fiddles (eh?), blah, doe pee, gobbler, Pepto-Bismol, blah, scratch, blah, you should come next time”.  Ok Grizzly Adams, you just bottle up that weekend of a jewel box and savor those memories until next time but you should really understand something: I will never partake in your slice of escape and while we are on the subject let’s just air this realization – you aren’t fooling me.  You know damn good and well you want me NO.WHERE.NEAR that campfire while you muck it up with your other foul mouthed drunk ass redneck friends. 

So, Neal has returned from his “hall pass of the quarter” and I am expected to search him for ticks – a ritual.  I am all in favor of doing this because God knows that now is not the time for Neal to come down with a debilitating case of Lyme’s Disease.  And naturally, this is Neal’s favorite part of the hall pass.  Really.  I go over his body with a fine tooth comb and he purrs like a kitten that’s just lapped up a bowl of warm milk.  While I am checking him for parasites, he is singing Brad Paisley’s “Tick” song:

‘Cause I’d like to see you out in the moonlight
I’d like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I’d like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I’d like to check you for ticks.

I disclosed earlier (You Might Be A Redneck) that I am married to a redneck wanna be so this ritual shouldn’t take you by surprise. But wait, today is different.  Today I will care less about blood sucking creatures carrying bacteria that causes shooting pains, heart palpitations, bouts of arthritis with severe joint pain and swelling.  Naw, they aren’t that threatening………compared to this.

I enter the house and realize that Neal is in the bathtub.  As I turn the corner I ask “Well, did you have a great time?”  Obviously he did.  There is a trail of bloody, muddy clothes leading from the doorway to the master bath….but now is not the time to be bitter or hen peck.  I lock eyes with him and immediately notice that something is off.  In an instant I am aware that something is not right – like maybe his face has been mowed over by an ATV but I can’t be sure.  I steady myself and here is the conversation that takes place.  But, before I delve into the conversation, let’s just take a look at a photo for a frame of reference. Just a peek at what I am now staring at, naked in the bathtub:

Me:  “Uh, what’s wrong with your face?”

Neal: “I’m not sure”

Me: “One side of your face looks like it has been attacked by an M16 loaded with Botox and the other side looks like melting caramel running down an apple.  Why aren’t you blinking your right eye?”

Neal:  “I think I have a sinus infection”

Me: “Wow. Really?  Because I’m no doctor but you know, I have never seen a sinus infection give symptoms of a freakin’ STROKE Neal!”

Neal:  “Oh pleeeeeze”

I have him stand up and raise his arms, repeat certain sentences, touch his toes and lean his head back while touching his nose.  At this point I couldn’t remember all of the “at home stroke test” procedures so I merged in some drunk driving questions.  He passed everything except for the fact that he could only use one side of his face.  Literally.  He couldn’t talk out of the right side of his mouth and his eyeball was frozen – open, like a dead person.  I threw him in the car and zoomed to the ER.  No surprise, he walked into the ER of Piedmont Hospital and after simply saying hello was whisked away to the back for stroke evaluation.  They did a CAT scan too, just for safe measure and I am convinced because our healthcare provider told them they wouldn’t cover the costs (hellooooooooo, it’s January and we have a $2500 deductible).

The doctor in the ER asked Neal a lot of questions but kept coming back to a recurring theme – stress.  Economy, job, STRESS, money, STRESS, decompress, STRESS, real estate, short sale, lack of, STRESS, sex, STRESS, bills, exercise, mortgage, STRESS.  Over and over, that word kept coming up.  With it, so did a diagnosis – associated with stress.  Bell’s Palsy.  Four hours later, Neal emerged from the ER sporting an eye patch and a handful of steroids walking around with facial paralysis that would last anywhere from four weeks to six months. Thank God it wasn’t a stroke but what about the stress?  Should I just leave him out in the woods?

And here’s the best part.  Many caring people gave their advice about not “letting this get out” in public.  Ewww, don’t let anyone actually KNOW that Neal might be dealing with some stress due to the recession.  That wouldn’t look good.  Just simply tell people that his eye patch is because of some out patient cornea surgery or something but don’t reveal that stress played a part.  That would make him look vulnerable and his business will suffer.  Never mind that he looked like a circus freak, like Siamese twins sharing the same face.  It must be kept secret.  They obviously do not know Neal very well, now do they?  Heart on sleeve, truth be told.  That’s Neal.

The Bell’s Palsy only lasted for a month but the steroids were hell.  Holy cow.  Neal was just ITCHING for someone to cross the line so he could punch them in the face.  He was so irritable and moody.  Now let’s just add that to the effects of the recession.  It was a wonderful new year.  Happy 2009!  So I totally believe in the saying “stress will kill you” – whole heartedly.  It causes cancer, low sperm count (lucky for me), acne, heart palpitations, hair loss, obesity and Bell’s Palsy.  It will put you in an early grave.  I haven’t yet figured out a way to eliminate stress, only taper it slightly.   You know what ranks up there in the top 10 ways to reduce Neal’s stress?  Checking him for ticks. J